


A Curious Christmas

by vvolfandhound



Category: Devil May Cry
Genre: Christmas, Explicit Language, Gen, Magazines, Mystery Character(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-26
Updated: 2014-12-26
Packaged: 2018-03-03 16:01:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2856773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vvolfandhound/pseuds/vvolfandhound
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's an awful prank. An awfully funny prank. Lady helps Dante discover the identity behind the pranker, even if their in for a bit of a surprise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Curious Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> Happy holidays.
> 
> Fair warning, I would've liked this to be longer to make more sense of the ending but I ran out of time and didn't have a single idea. That's why this story me seem a bit jumpy or jumbled.

"Fuck," a male voice hissed. Two eyes snapped up from the gun in her hands, pinning him with a piercing glare. The man sighed, running his hand through his white hair. "Some freak signed me up for all these shit magazines, Lady."

"How do you know it isn't just junk?" she asked, placing the gun down on the coffee table and pushing herself to her feet. Dante shook his head.

"Because it's addressed to Dante Redgrave." When Lady said nothing his he sighed again, overly dramatic this time. "People come looking for Dante the devil hunter or lawyers come looking for Tony Redgrave. Whoever signed me up for this shit knows my name, and the name I use in legal shit. This guy totally has a grudge against me."

Lady, now standing at the edge of the desk, picked up a discarded magazine and blanched. Pink Lovers Weekly. Flipping through pages revealed dolls that even a ten year old would throw up at. The magazine slid back onto the desk as Lady attempted to calm the laughter bubbling in her throat.

"I've been giving those to Patty. Thought at first that was her doing but nope, this starting showing up." He pushed another magazine towards Lady, this one entitled Rainbow Reads and subtitled the best magazine on LGBT literature. This time she couldn't restrain the laughter that escaped her. "It's not funny!" the white-haired man growled. "The mailman left a note in my mail box with his number and I'm available written on it." Lady only laughed harder.

Dante narrowed his eyes, his lips parting a fraction. "This was you!"

Lady calmed herself nearly immediately, wiping tears from her eyes as she shook her head. She didn't trust herself to say so. His gaze was brutal but she kept herself calm, finally managing to tell him that it wasn't her.

"Well…" he caught himself before the word slipped passed him. He swore occasionally, but he usually attempted not to.

"How long have you been getting them?" Lady inquired as she picked up another magazine (there were eight in total). It was Seventeen. The man sighed again as he flopped down into his chair. She glanced at him and found him holding his head in his hands.

"Since last Christmas. There's a new one every month. It started with Pink Lovers, than it was Playgirl, than it was a cooking magazine, then it was Suicide Notes…" he rattled off the other four as Lady just stared at him. The cooking magazine was a good idea but Suicide Notes? She honestly didn't want to know what sick mind was sending these to Dante. "You know Lady? I've been getting coupons for razors and lube. I'm just…" He didn't need to finish the sentence for her to understand he was at the end of his rope. Lady frowned.

Sure, it was humorous, but she could see that it was driving Dante mad? She'd help him, she was his friend after all. Neither of them had an idea on who had set this up for Dante. Telling him to cancel the subscription had him regaling the tale of trying to but only be told that he would need to go online an enter a password. Basically, he was screwed.

* * *

There was another one.

Lady hovered over the desk as Dante tore into the white plastic that concealed the ninth magazine. They gulped in unison as he pulled it out.

It was Girl Power. The number one magazine for girls ages eleven through fifteen, it read. On the cover was a girl who didn't even look like she was thirteen holding up a peace sign and smiling. Featured articles include Seven Tips for PMS and Does He Like Me? Five Signs He's Into You. Lady couldn't help it as she bent over laughing.

"Goddamnit," the red-clad devil hunter hissed, slamming the magazine down onto the desk. "What the hell did I do to this guy? And where does he get this shit?"

Lady laughed harder as Dante fumed. She'd been helping him, calling the companies in an attempt to get the magazines to stop coming but it seemed the world hated them. And asking for information on where the subscriptions came from resulted in just as much zilch.

When Lady recovered, she found the Dante had moved to pacing in front of his desk. Lady merely raised an eyebrow at his behavior as she grabbed the magazine off the desk. Flipping through the pages, once more Lady found herself hard-pressed to contain her mirth. She was saved from the choking feeling of withholding laughter when Dante shouted something.

"Huh?"

Dante was reaching for the phone. She merely watched in curiosity. He tapped in a few numbers, waited a moment, and then started spewing out curses. Lady managed to catch that it was Nero on the other end, and that Dante was accusing him of the magazine prank. She would've called him an idiot for not thinking of that earlier, but she had to admit that the thought hadn't crossed her mind either. She rolled her eyes as she glanced through the new edition of Rainbow Reads. It had some pretty interesting articles she had to admit.

Dante slammed the phone back into the receiver, uttering a cringe-worthy curse. Lady glanced at him, a smirk tugging at her lips.

"He denies it," sneered Dante. "Says he doesn't have any fucking clue what I'm talking about." Lady blocked out his rant, not really caring and mentally crossing Nero off the list of suspects. It didn't help any, Nero had been the only one on the list.

* * *

Frisky Female Weekly was the tenth subscription gifted to Dante. Whatever naughty thoughts the title summoned were wrong. It was a magazine devoted to crazy cat women. As Lady laughed, Dante yelled, quickly flipping through the magazine and grabbing for the phone. Lady contained herself and watched with amusement.

"Hello, I seemed to have gotten a subscription by mistake," he said. There was a pause. "My name Dante Redgrave." Another pause. "How long?" The red-clad devil hunter blanched. "That's a mistake, uh, it was a prank." Lady bit her lip. "Please just stop it." Pause. "You can't? I not going to wait five fucking years." Lady heard the sound of a female yelling and watched as Dante quickly slammed the phone back into the receiver.

"Note to self," the man said as he collapsed into his chair. "Don't curse at phone monkeys."

* * *

Vegan Vorever seemed to make it into the Devil May Cry mailbox in November. Lady rubbed her eyes before rereading the title, making a note to herself to stop using the internet so much.

"What the hell is this?" the man yelled, slamming the magazine back onto the desk. "Vegan now? First it's little girls, then it's housewives, then it's gay guys, then it's emos. Whatever I did, I'm sorry, but would you quit already?"

Lady shook her head. "Give 'em a call."

It ended the same way it did before.

* * *

"Parent Central," Dante read. "Special Edition: Parenting for the Unexpected."

"Oh my God," Lady said in-between laughs. "They know you're a man-whore." The woman was laughing too hard to even notice that the red-clad devil hunter was glaring at her.

"Well whoever they are, they've crossed a line," Dante said, picking up the phone and flipping through the magazine.

"Hello, my name is Dante Redgrave and I seem to have gotten your magazine by mistake." There was a pause. "Yes, Parent Central. This has been happening a lot lately; someone seems to be pulling a prank on me." Lady cocked her head. "Thank you. No one else has been able to cancel. Do you know anything about this?" Lady nodded, a surprise quirk to her lips. "Really? Thank you so much. Have a nice day." Lady waited with abated breath as he sat the phone down and sighed.

"A book store fifteen miles from here seems to be the location." He held up his hand for a victory high-five.

The drive over to the bookstore was grueling. Traffic was awful on one hand, and the excitement gnawing at her made it that much worse. Dante seemed to be having the same reaction, his fingers tapping against the steering wheel despite the lack of music. As the car crawled along the highway, a silence stretched between them.

The image Lady had in her mind of the person behind this prank was a scorned ex-lover with a very good sense of humor. For some reason, she imagined them to be a brunette. It was probably because she inherently thought of brunette's as smarter, like her. Maybe she was a one-night stand that ended up with a baby and the twelfth subscription was her dig at him for it.

Dante on the other hand still could hardly fathom how this wasn't Nero. It had to be Nero. He was the only one he could see pulling this shit. Trish would've at least had the decency not to sign him up for the Suicide Notes one.

The truth however, escaped both of them.

The pulled up to the bookstore. It was situated in a mall, and was surprisingly big for being an independent store. The workers were helpful and polite, and the stock was pretty amazing. It was books; just books, unlike how most bookstores were now. No e-readers, no calendars, no puzzles, movies, or music. It was a bookstore. Of course, it also stocked magazines, a substantial selection actually. They were able to find all of the ones that Dante had been signed up for, solidifying that the source of the prank originated from the bookstore.

This was then they hit a brick wall. Sure, someone in the bookstore was the problem but who? There were at least ten people on the shop floor, split between registers, stocking, and other tasks. None of which Dante recognized.

"What do we do now?" she hissed at Dante, glancing around the shop. The feeling of triumph had worn off and now it felt like they were in the enemy's lair.

"I don't know!" he hissed back. He yelped when she punched him in the arm, drawing the attention of one of the workers.

"May I help you two?" the worker asked, warily approaching them. It really didn't help them that they had taken their weapons to the store. Guns and swords tended to be slightly off-putting.

Lady could just imagine how it would go if they asked her if she knew who was sending them subscriptions to crappy magazines. Basically an awkward smile, a muttered one moment, and the mall cops chasing them out. So the three just stood in awkward silence. Lady chanced it anyway.

"This dork," she said, whacking Dante in the back of the head, "has been getting subscriptions to magazines that are frankly… well… embarrassing, and they originate from here." The worker just stood there as if Lady had sprouted a second head.

"Well, um… He, uh, you," she said, glancing at Dante, "look a lot like the boss. Could a…"

"What's his name?" Dante asked, eyes flicking towards the second floor where a figure stood, wearing a suit and a large scarf. The woman remained silent and fidgeting. "Vergil?" The worker shook her head. Dante paused for a moment before a sneer spread across his lips. "Gilver?" he queried.

"How did you know?" she asked before shaking her head. "It's just that it's an odd name. He should be upstairs." The woman scurried away as Lady turned a glare on Dante. The red-clad hunter paid her zero attention, wide strides taking him to the stairs.

"Who is Gilver?" Lady hissed, one step behind him. "Is he…?"

"An asshole" he stated, glancing back at the female devil hunter. "An evil,  _evil_ asshole who should be dead." Lady shook her head, an angry sigh escaping her as she followed him up the rest of the stairs and through a maze of bookshelves.

When they caught the mysterious man, she pieced two and two together.

"Ha, ha," Dante said, a sneer on his lips. Gilver stood in front of a window, his back to Dante. He had white hair combed back, and his suit was a deep navy blue. The scarf around his neck was an off-setting orange. "How funny Gil-Ver. Didn't think you for a sense of humor."

A deep baritone had shivers running up her spine, her fingers twitching toward her gun. "You are angry,  _Tony_."

"Drop it shithead. Why the hell you using that name again?"

If one hadn't figured it out, as the man turned around, it became crystal clear. Though, Lady found it surprising that the family reunion happened in a bookstore. Lady's eyes widened as she glanced at her red partner, finding his fingers around the hilt of Rebellion.

"First off," Vergil growled, "cause any damage, and you are paying for it. Secondly, scare off any customers and you will be paying the difference between yesterday's income and today. Third, I am unarmed. If you value honor in a fight (-Lady noticed the words seemed like a bullet to Dante-) you would not attack me." Dante's hand dropped to his side. Her turned his blue eyes on Lady who's hands were on her guns. "The same goes for you. And lastly, I'm using that name because it's the name attached to my bank account. Now, do you wish to talk?"

"Last time I check," Dante hissed, "our family reunions aren't about talking."

Lady took a step back, the feeling of being a third-wheel setting in.

"They may not be, but I am unarmed and we are in my place of business. Do you not have a policy about fighting in you shop?" The red twin paled. "Exactly. Now, please step into my office," he said as he opened the door. Lady leaned against the wall, deciding it'd be best if she stepped down on this one. The glare Dante sent her told he didn't appreciate it but he stepped into the office and let his brother close the door.

Hours seemed to pass by when the two were in there. She heard muffled words, and occasionally some shouting along with gunshots. Each time a shot rang out she just bit her lip and glanced around. The customers milling about seemed stop and think about before returning to their browsing. Lady sighed, pulling a book off the shelves.

She didn't know what to think of the revelation that Vergil was alive, let alone he owned a bookstore and had a horrible taste in fashion and fake names. It was like dream almost, too ridiculous to be real. Then again, she didn't really know him. Her impressions of him might've been wrong, but she sincerely doubted. There was one thing she didn't doubt though, and that was that he was a terrible boss.

The sun was setting by the time Dante stormed off out of his brother's office. She shot to her feet immediately, glad to see her friend and business partner. Vergil stood in the doorway of his office, watching his brother storm off in boredom. She regarded him with hesitation for a moment before following after Dante. They passed the startled worker from earlier who weakly smiled at them, and were at the car before Dante finally stopped. She watched him with curiosity, waiting to see if he would say anything.

"Worst Christmas gift ever."

Lady didn't learn what happened in the office. Dante didn't talk about it and she didn't ask. The one thing she did learn though, was that the magazines stopped coming. Whether that was good, all she could do was shrug her shoulders.


End file.
